


Letting Go

by stupidthinker



Category: GOT7, TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cheating, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Break Up, Suicidal Thoughts, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:24:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8614945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidthinker/pseuds/stupidthinker
Summary: Jaebum had already promised to always make Jinyoung happy, and would do anything for it. So when loving Jaebum started killing Jinyoung slowly, he let him go, even if it's killing him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, newbie here! As some might've guessed from it's title, this work was inspired by DAY6's song with the same title. I get frustated over people letting go because of what they selfishly decide is the best for others without thinking how that very decision might hurt that other person. There are many stories I liked where a character do that, and I just can't sympathize with him/her even though the story is great that way. While listening to this song, I think of reasons I can accept of letting go for other's sake, and I come up with this story. And I'm a JJP trash, anyway! Since this is my first fanfic ever, please kindly understand and tell me my mistakes and what I lack. Thanks!

Jaebum could hear a shocked gasp behind him, and something dropping. He knew it was Jinyoung, because people rarely came to the back of their faculty building, and it was their meeting point. He could feel a pair of hands trying to push him away, which only made him strengthened his grip to keep Nayeon in place. He only let her go when he heard footsteps running away, giving her chance to slap him, hard.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Nayeon asked, rubbing her lips that just touched Jaebum's angrily. She couldn't even bear to think her cousin just kissed her, let alone in front of Jinyoung, his boyfriend. She hated the thought of being the cause of misunderstanding in his relationship.

Jaebum could only look at her with pained gaze, and Nayeon's eyes softened, understanding it wasn't from the sting on his cheek. But she was still angry enough to demand explanation.

"You must have a reason, because I know just how much you love him. You won't hurt him for nothing. And now that you've involved me, you have to tell me everything. Don't even try to avoid it."

Already expected it, knowing her, Jaebum just sighed and nodded his head.

"I’m really sorry. I'll tell you later, okay? I'll find you tomorrow."

"Deal. I'll kill you if I don't see you by tomorrow, and even then I'll decide whether I still have to or not, depending on what you'll tell me."

"Please do."

 

\---

 

Jaebum had thought that Jinyoung would be too angry to see him soon, so when Jinyoung agreed to meet him tonight, he was shocked, relieved, and dejected. Relieved because he could end it sooner, dejected because it was one of the proof that his decision was right. Because it proved Jinyoung had also wanted to end it as soon as possible that he didn’t feel much anger toward his action.

When Jaebum entered the cafe and find Jinyoung waiting, he stopped for a moment, stalling time. He stared at Jinyoung’s face, void from any expression, yet still perfect nevertheless. He wished that the last he saw from Jinyoung so he could carve it in his memory was his cheerful smile, eyes filled with love like the beginning of his relationship, but of course it was just an empty hope. He knew he couldn't postpone it anymore, so eventually he walked slowly to sit in front of Jinyoung.

For a moment, Jaebum kept silent, trying to figure out what's in other's mind. Jinyoung's eyes didn't give him anything, and Jaebum hoped his eyes did the same.

"Why?" Jinyoung started.

 _Here we go_. "I guess I still like women, after all this time. This relationship, it's just wrong. I was too impulsive that time, maybe out of excitement for trying something new. Nobody would accept this kind of relationship anyway. You know that well yourself." Jaebum had prepared to say those lies, but saying it in front of the real person was harder than when he was practicing it over and over in his head. He was just glad his voice wasn't trembling, and he hoped he gave out the right expression. He didn't even know what kind of expression that was suitable for a moment like this. A moment where you were trying to persuade your boyfriend to break it off with you.

"So you want to break up with me?" Jaebum couldn't even feel anger or sadness in his voice. He had secretly hoped for it, hoping Jinyoung would try to hold onto him, asking him to stay. It just sounded like Jinyoung only wanted to confirm it, and it crushed his heart.

"Well, you've been busy on your own, the excitement fades out, and I've been away from girls quite long. We can't go against nature. Maybe it's time we go back to how it should be. You should better find a girl too."

"Okay then."

With that, Jinyoung left, his favorite vanilla latte untouched. Well, that was easy, Jaebum thought. He didn't know if he should be glad he didn't have to lie any further or sad by how easy Jinyoung was accepting it. After a moment, Jaebum held out his hand to the other end of the table, pulling the vanilla latte closer. He took a sip of it, and his tears finally fell down.

 

\---

 

Jaebum met Jinyoung for the first time on his first year of college. It was nothing special. They just took some class together and found they shared some similarities. Some of the books Jinyoung mentioned happened to be his favorite books too, so he lent him some of others and the same goes for Jinyoung. Jinyoung happened to like some of the singers and band he mentioned too, so they gave recommendations to each other. Just like that, they soon became friends.

Jaebum didn't know when it began, but he slowly realized his heart beat faster whenever Jinyoung was near, and his day felt brighter whenever he saw his bright smile or heard the ringing of his laughter. He started to think that Jinyoung was the most beautiful person he ever met, and without doubt, he knew he has fallen in love. And when Im Jaebum loved someone, he acted on it, never caring about anything else beside the fact that he wanted that person to be his. So he confessed.

On the other hand, Jinyoung was always full of insecurities. He had also love Jaebum almost as soon as they met. However, Jinyoung was afraid of unrequited love, and concerned over the fact that they're both men. Being born in a conservative family, he's taught not to do things out of the norm, and liking someone with the same gender is one of it. Yet his love for Jaebum only got stronger each day, so when Jaebum confessed, he accepted it gladly.

The few first months of their relationship had been great. They went on dates, they kissed. And when these led to them making love for the first time, it was the happiest moment of their life. Jaebum felt so blessed, realizing he would never love anyone else as deep as he did for Jinyoung. He already couldn’t live without Jinyoung’s existence beside him, and he promised he would always make Jinyoung happy, forever.

However, it turned out Jinyoung's concern over their gender hadn't disappeared. At some point it’s growing on him, eating him up. He loved Jaebum, but he was afraid people would find out about it. He was scared people, especially his family, would reject him and push him away. And Jaebum knew it, so he kept the fact that he told a few of his closest friend, people he trusted enough to know they won’t judge them about their relationship, including Nayeon.

He actually didn't want to hide it. He wanted the world to know he loved Park Jinyoung, that he was proud he was his. However he didn’t want to put more pressure on Jinyoung, and would do anything for him, so he settled for it, waiting for Jinyoung's insecurities to die.

They didn't. Everytime he went back to his hometown and met his family, it grew bigger. Everytime he saw normal couples, boys with girls, men with women, it got stronger. He never said anything, Jaebum just knew, and nothing he did or said could ease it. It was like Jinyoung was getting further away from him, even when they were together. He even felt like Jinyoung regretted ever falling in love with him. And for Jaebum, that regret hurt him more than anything, stepped all over the love he was bearing for Jinyoung like it was something worthless Jinyoung wanted to throw away, yet forced to take.

He had already promised to always make Jinyoung happy, and would do anything for it. So when loving Jaebum started killing Jinyoung slowly, he let him go, even if it's killing him.

 

\---

 

"And you let him go, just like that?" Nayeon stared at him, shocked.

"What else do you expect me to do? I’ve tried to hold onto him for so long, but I can’t bear to see him in so much pain anymore, with me being the reason. He will never be happy with me, and I'd rather him being happy in some place I can't see." Jaebum looked down, trying to hold down his tears. "And he also let me go easily, didn't even get mad at me or try to hold onto me. I guess he's also been thinking of breaking up with me, can't take his fears anymore. He only stayed because he actually love me, though I'm not sure if it's bigger than his regret over that, and he didn't want to feel guilty for breaking up with me over that. I don't want that for him too, so I have to do it that way, being the bad guy, the one who break it off."

For a moment they were just sitting by each other on her sofa, silent.

"Then what about you? What are you going to do now?" Nayeon quietly asked, her hold on the cushion in her arms tightened.

"Living, if you haven't already decided to kill me and spare me from it." Jaebum laughed, mocking himself.

Nayeon couldn't take it anymore. She knew she shouldn't, because the one who hurt the most is Jaebum, but it pained her to see her cousin and best friend hurting so much. She leaned to Jaebum, sinking her face on his shoulder, dampened his shirt with her tears.

"Why? Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to hurt so much when you love each other?"

And came the tears again, rolling from the corner of Jaebum's eyes. "I don't know either."

 

\---

 

Jaebum was lying about living, Nayeon should’ve known. After breaking up, it seemed like he didn't care at all about anything. He started to smoke, and he drank alcohol day and night. He rarely ate and went to class. He only slept when he got too drunk to stay awake. And tonight wasn't the first time he appeared before Nayeon's door all beaten up, bruises and blood all over.

"And what started the fight this time?" Nayeon asked while tending to Jaebum's wounds after bringing ice for Jaebum.

"Dunno." Jaebum answered, looking away while pressing the ice-filled bag on his banged up face.

"Same old I guess." Yeah, same old as Jaebum purposely bumping his shoulder to some scary looking men while getting drunk, provoking them. Nayeon just sighed heavily, and worked in silence, because nothing she said could ever stop him from ruining himself. She, together with other friends of Jaebum who knew about his and Jinyoung’s relationship, had been trying to pull him back to normal life for these past three months with no result. They tried to be glad that he didn’t even try to commit suicide, yet who knew if this kept going on. All they could do was to be with him as much as possible. Jaebum, however, often successfully slid away from their watch and made trouble for himself.

After she started to believe that would be the last of his word tonight, he was speaking again, "He got a girlfriend."

Her hands stopped for a moment, before continuing again. "So you already know. Who told you?"

"Jackson. He's pretty easy to tell, and it's not hard to force it out of him."

"Oh, I should've known. Should I congratulate you?"

Jaebum leaned back to the sofa and closed his eyes. "Just shut up, would you?"

"Jaebum, you have to stop this. Stop ruining yourself. Move on."

"I can't, and I don't want to."

Knowing how stubborn he is, Nayeon didn't say anything anymore. She just continued working in silence, hoping he would someday find the desire to live again.

 

\---

 

What his friends didn’t know, was that he did try in the beginning, at least to distract himself from his feelings for Jinyoung without really ruining himself. He slept with strangers, didn’t even care about the gender. When he found it couldn’t distract him enough, he grew desperate to forget that he even started to let men handled him roughly and be the receiving end, something he had never even do with Jinyoung, because he realized that the physical pain and pleasure could take him completely away from his mind, preferably to the point of unconsciousness. It was the only time he could actually have a rest, since he hardly got enough sleep after their break-up. The bruises from the first months was actually a result from that, but it was something his friends didn’t need to know.

Eventually, he stopped sleeping with other people, because while the pain could distract him, he felt emptier the more people he slept with. He then found another way by drinking. And when alcohol wasn’t enough, he got into fights to get the physical pain he needed to forget. Well, more like messing with people to get beaten and wrecked with hardly any defense. Now this was something his friends knew so well, because while after a sex so hard he could barely move he could just lie on the bed it was happened wherever it was, after a fight he was just left at the roadside or the corner of alleyway somewhere, and he often needed to call one of his friend to get him. Even when he didn’t get it bad enough and could still move by himself, he often had Nayeon tended to him because he needed someone beside him.

To be honest, the only thing that kept him from ending his life was his friends. Because they cared about him, and he didn’t want to stepped over that, just like what Jinyoung’s regret did to him. Maybe someday they would get tired of him, and then he could leave. But if he were to accidentally be killed by someone in one of his fight, it was a different story. Or so Jaebum wanted to think, that he still had a chance to escape his despaired life.

It happened about six months later when he was picking a fight with a thug, who turned out to have his gang near. He was dragged to a narrow dark alley way and got beaten up severely by seven people, or more, he didn’t know. He was too drunk to know if he got the count right, and he didn’t really care about anything but the pain. Then he saw someone pulled out a folding knife from his pocket. Jaebum closed his eyes and embraced the stabbing pain on his side.

_This is it._


	2. Chapter 2

It was over, at last.

When Jinyoung caught Jaebum cheating on him, he was shocked. Because he knew how much Jaebum loved him, and didn’t even think of the possibility. Then he felt betrayed. He felt like he was deceived to think that way, which made him stay in this relationship, while Jaebum was actually playing around. But when he realized he finally could end the suffering from the pressure of that relationship, he felt relieved. Because even though he loved him deeply, he was afraid of people.

His family had raised him to be aware of what people thought of them, to not stray from what was thought as normal. He knew that his relationship with Jaebum wasn’t, and he got scared. Of what people would think of them. Of how people would judge them. Of the possibility that his family might disown him if they ever found out. These fear was eating him alive.

The suffering he got from the fear made him longing for a normal relationship. With a girl, as how it should be. But he couldn’t break up with Jaebum, for after all he still loved him, even though at some point he didn’t even know which was bigger, his love or his regret of that love. He also didn’t want to break up only to trade his fear with guilt, for ending their relationship because of his fears. Though he also felt guilty over the fact that he felt relieved when their relationship ended, he brushed it off thinking at least he wasn’t the reason it why it happened.

And finally, about three months later, he got a girlfriend. She had been trying to get close to him even since he was still with Jaebum. He thought he liked her enough, and he wanted to get over Jaebum fast. Because sometimes he still found himself missing him, yearning for Jaebum’s existence beside him. And he hated that feeling. So he confessed to her, and of course she accepted.

Jinyoung had gotten the relationship he had always been longed for, yet he still missed Jaebum. She had different tastes in what he found similar with Jaebum. She never made him as comfortable as Jaebum did. She never made him felt loved as much as he did when he was still with Jaebum.

And she could never made him loved her as deeply as he loved Jaebum. So he ended it.

He knew he could never love anyone else that much, and that made him felt depressed because he didn’t know what to do over the knowledge. He couldn’t go begging for Jaebum to take him back either. He was desperate for Jaebum’s touch, that he started to think that maybe if a girl couldn’t be his replacement, a guy can. So when he was drunk in a bar and a guy made a pass on him, he accepted it.

 

\---

 

The kiss felt different. He seemed unable to get into the mood no matter how hard they were making out. Jinyoung didn’t knew if it was because of the place, since they were kissing in the toilet at the back of the bar, because he couldn’t bring a stranger to his apartment and let knew where he lived.

Or maybe because it was a different person.

He pushed the stranger away when he heard the door opened. And to his dismay, he found that the one who opened it is his friend from college, Jackson. Jinyoung was so embarrassed, agitated and scared of what he would say. He must’ve felt disgusted by now.

But no. What he saw in Jackson’s eyes wasn’t disgust, it was anger. It confused him, why would he get angry? Was it because it turned out that he had been friends with a gay?

Then Jackson pulled his wrist and dragged him away from the bar, adding to his confusion. And he was stunned to hear what Jackson said.

“If you’re gonna be like this, then what’s the use of him breaking up with you?”

He was so dumbfounded he just stood wide eyed for a while, gathering his mind to say, “What do you mean by him?”

He must’ve heard wrong. Nobody knew about his relationship with Jaebum. He must’ve mean his ex-girlfriend.

“Jaebum, who else?” Jackson said, confirming he hadn’t heard wrong. It made no sense to him. Nobody was supposed to know.

“How did you know about that?” Jinyoung asked, confused and dreaded. _If he knew, who else did?_ He could see the anger in Jackson’s eyes turned into realization.

“Shit! I forgot! Oh, what should I do with this mouth of mine?” Jackson cursed himself.

_“How did you know about that?”_ Jinyoung repeated, demanding.

Jackson sighed, given up. “Jaebum told me when you were still together. Not only me, all his closest friends also knew about it. He told us to keep it a secret because he knew you don’t want anybody to know, even though he wanted to, so he just told us. You don’t have to worry, nobody else knows.”

Jinyoung didn’t know how to react, or what to feel about the truth. He was just too taken aback to even think about anything. So he just kept silent.

After a while, Jackson started talking again. “If you have decided that it’s okay to be with men, can you go back to him?”

“What do you mean?” Confusion shook Jinyoung off of his shocked state, then the memory of Jaebum kissing a girl came to his mind, and it made him mad. “He was the one who cheated on me.”

Maybe that was also why Jaebum did it. Maybe he was tired of having a relationship he couldn’t tell to anyone, and wanted to have a relationship where he could. That was why he left Jinyoung for a girl.

“He wasn’t. Will you listen to me? I’ll tell you everything I know. He needs you. Please, you have to save him, before it’s too late.” Jackson pleaded, his eyes filled with sadness.

In further confusion, Jinyoung nodded.

 

\---

 

“He never cheated on you. The girl you saw him with is his cousin, and his closest friend. She also knew about your relationship. He made it seemed like he was cheating so you can break up with him.”

They were at a café on the corner of the street where the bar stood. Their ordered drinks was on the table, yet neither of them had touched it, because none of them actually wanted to drink anything. They only needed a place to talk.

“Why? Why did he do that?”

“Because he thought it’s getting hard for you to keep this relationship. You wanted to be with a girl, but you can’t find the right reason to break up with him. So he made it. He loves you too much to let you suffering because of your relationship with him. He just wanted you to be happy, and he knew you won’t if he keeps forcing himself on you.”

Jinyoung’s heart clenched at the revelation. So it was because of him after all. He couldn’t believe Jaebum loved him that much to do that.

No, he actually knew. He was blinded by his fear and insecurities, that he didn’t even had a room to care about what Jaebum felt. He remembered brushing off the knowledge of how deep Jaebum’s love was for him easily, disregarded it. He also remembered the relief he felt at the end of their relationship. He felt so much regret, so ashamed, so mad at himself. Just how much had he hurt Jaebum all along with his selfishness? Tears started welling up on his eyes even though he tried to hold it. The thought of how much Jaebum had been hurting pained him, knowing he was the reason.

“Now, can you please go back to him? If there’s still a little bit of your feelings for him then in your heart, save him, I beg you. Before it’s too late. I don’t want to lose my friend.” Jackson’s eyes started tearing up too.

“You’ve been saying that since before. What do you mean by that?”

“He’s been a wreck since you break up with him. He rarely eats, rarely sleeps, rarely goes to class, rarely sober. He often picks up fights with scary people. The times I found him bruised and wounded unable to move can’t be counted by one hand already. And it’s just me. I haven’t counted our other friends. We’re afraid it will kill him someday. What if the people beating him up using a weapon on him? What if he bleed too much and he can’t call anyone in the middle of nowhere?”

The tears finally rolled to his cheek at the thought. _Oh God, what have I done to him?_

“And actually…” Jackson stopped, hesitating.

“What?” _Just how much damage I’ve caused Jaebum?_

“Forget it, you don’t need to know this.” Jackson shook his head, leaning back.

“Please, I need to know everything. You’ve promised to tell me everything you know.” _I need to know how much I’ve ruined him,_ Jinyoung bitterly thought.

“ We don’t know for sure, but we think he also having sex with people that’s… not so gentle.” Jackson found it hard to find the words to explain this part, and settled for that.

“You mean he’s… the one receiving it?” Jaebum had always been the top in his relationship with Jinyoung. Now he was on the receiving end, and a rough one at that? Even when Jaebum did it gently to him, it was quite painful. Jinyoung couldn’t even imagine how painful it was for Jaebum.

Jackson was squirming uncomfortably on his seat. “Well, like I said, we don’t know for sure. But the bruises he has for the earlier months is different from the latter. The latter is worse but… we just reached to the conclusion looking at that.”

Jinyoung had already crying at this point. He was filled with regret and anger at himself. _If only I cared more for him than others. If only I’m not selfish. If only I believed in his love._ So many ifs popping on his mind, and he was drowning in it he didn’t even registered the ringing of Jackson’s phone.

“Hello?” Jackson said, picking up.

Jinyoung was busy with his thought, but he still noticing the change on Jackson’s expression. His face got paled, and eventually he was crying as hard as Jinyoung. And it gave Jinyoung a bad feeling.

“Okay, I’ll be there soon.” Jackson said to the other end, trying hard to hide his sobbing.

“What happened?” Jinyoung asked, concern evident in his voice.

“We might be too late,” Jackson slumped to his seat, trying to stop his flow of tears. “I have to go to hospital.”

It alarmed Jinyoung. “Wait, is it about Jaebum?” Jinyoung asked, wishing Jackson would say no, which turned out a wishful thinking afterall.

“Yeah. He got stabbed on his fight. Fortunately a restaurant owner nearby got out to throw his trash away, found him, and called for ambulance. But he’s already losing much blood, so we don’t know the possibility of him surviving this.”

The information horrified him, but he managed to swallow his tears. Seeing Jaebum was more important at the moment.

“Please… Let me go with you.”

 

\--

 

The door opened, and Jinyoung finally saw the one person he had been yearning for long, laying on a bed in a state he never imagined he would find him in if he were to see Jaebum again. He entered the room, moving closer to the bed, taking in the badly bruised face with bandages here and there to his twinged heart.

“Why is he here?” A female voice asked, pure of shock. Only then Jinyoung realized there was someone else in the room. Jinyoung turned his head to find the girl Jaebum was kissing to break up with him sitting on a sofa at the corner of the room. Then he saw Jackson, looking down at the floor.

“I’ve already told him everything. I can’t stand Jaebum hurting himself anymore so…” He started tearing up again.

“Oh, Jackson…” The girl reached to hold his hand with hers, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb as she tried to calm him down. Then she looked at Jinyoung.

“I’m Im Nayeon, Jaebum’s cousin. Our first encounter isn’t pleasant, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve been wanting to meet you, but not that way.”

“I know, Jackson has told me, and I understand. I’m the one who should’ve said sorry. It’s all my fault to begin with.” _And my fault that Jaebum is in this state._

“Don’t blame yourself. He wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for him.”

_But it’s still my fault, everything is,_ Jinyoung wanted to say that, but he kept silence.

When Jackson started to calm down, he noticed that Nayeon’s face is pale, and her grip on his hand was so weak. “Nayeon, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. He lost so much blood, so I just gave him some.”

Jackson was surprised, and worried. “You should’ve gone home!”

“Well, I can’t leave him alone like this, even though his operation is successful,” Nayeon said, glancing at Jaebum’s sleeping form, “and I feel too weak to go home by myself anyway, so I might as well resting here ‘till I can, or at least until you and Mark or the others arrive so one of you could take me home and the other stay.”

Jackson looked like he wanted to argue and persuaded Nayeon to go home, but he didn’t know how. So Jinyoung took over him.

“It’s okay, Jackson could take you home. I’ll stay with him.”

Nayeon hesitated, looking at him, at Jaebum, then back at him again. Then she understood.

“Fine, I’ll leave it to you. Jackson, please help me.”

Jackson helped her stood up, then put his hand on her shoulder, assisting her to walk.

“Please call Jackson if anything happen.” Nayeon asked.

“Okay.”

Then he was left alone with sleeping Jaebum. He sat on a chair beside the bed and pulled Jaebum’s hand into his, staring at his face. He didn’t even know he was crying until his body started shaking with the weight of his guilt and regret.

_I’m sorry. Please, open your eyes._

_I need you. I miss you._

_I love you._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is finally here! It got longer than I expected, and it even has smut that I didn't even considered to exist in this story before. But it completes this story, so why not *wink*. It's also my first time writing those kind of scenes, so once again, please understand if you think it's lacking. Anyway, thanks for reading my work. I hope you enjoy it!

Jaebum opened his eyes to the white ceiling.

 _Where am I,_ he thought. He tried to sit up, made him groaned when ache spread across his body, and there was a throbbing pain on the right side of his stomach. The memories of yesterday’s occurrence came flowing into him, and the knife.

_So I’m still alive. Well, damn._

Then he felt a nudge on his left side, and there he found him. The last person he expected to see, yet also the one he wanted to see the most. The one he longed the most. The one he loved the most.

Jinyoung.

He was too stunned he didn’t even realize that his hand had already moved to brush Jinyoung’s bangs away, so he could see the face he missed so much clearly, and to make sure that he was real. That Jinyoung was solid enough he could touch him. That the Jinyoung sitting beside his bed with his head lied on the bed sleeping, hand on Jaebum’s, was not his imagination.

Jinyoung was real.

For a moment, Jaebum was filled with bliss. But when Jinyoung started to move, it was shattered as his mind started processing reality. _Why is Jinyoung here? He shouldn’t be, after all I’ve done. Except if he already knew everything._

_… He doesn’t, right?_

Then Jinyoung opened his eyes. “Good morning.” Jinyoung said, still half awake. The sound embracing Jaebum’s ears, the voice he yearned to hear so much, it made him want to smile like a fool. But he tried hard to hold it in, and put on a stern face.

“Why are you here?”

The harsh tone on Jaebum’s voice snapped Jinyoung fully awake. He looked at Jaebum, then down.

“I’ve heard everything. Even what you’ve been done all the while since we broke up.” Jinyoung said, confirming Jaebum’s fear. “I… I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. If only I’m not so selfish. If only I’m not such a coward. If only I care for you more. If only I believe in you more. If only…” Jinyoung’s eyes started to sting with tears.

Jaebum moved his gaze from Jinyoung, staring at the ceiling, suddenly feeling so tired. “No, it’s not. We’re already over, so you can go now.”

“Please, don’t say that. I… I still love you and I know you do too. Let’s go back together again, Jaebum.” Jinyoung said looking at Jaebum, pleading.

Jaebum tried hard to avoid looking at Jinyoung’s direction, knowing it would weaken his already faltered resolve. “No, you don’t love me. What you feel is guilt. Repentance. Pity. And you don’t need to feel this way. Whatever happened to me is my own fault, because those are decisions I made. You don’t need to feel concerned about me.”

“It’s not! Believe me, I really love you. I never stopped missing you since the day we broke up. Even when I’m with other person, in a normal relationship I’ve always wanted, I still miss you. I’ve already realized I never stop loving you even before I know all of this. Please, won’t you come back to me? I’ll never repeat the same mistakes again.” Jinyoung cried desperately. It didn’t matter how much he had to beg, he just want Jaebum back, yet the way Jaebum kept staying away from him made him frustrated.

“Are you sure? Even though it might be true that you still love me, are you confident that you won’t be scared anymore if people find out about us? Can you stand your own anxiety to not wanting normal relationship with a girl again?” Jaebum said, his voice cracked with sorrow. The question shot bullet through his heart, made it ache because no, he wasn’t confident enough, no matter how much he wanted to argue.

“I love you, Jinyoung, and I’m proud of it even though I go through hell because of it. And I don’t want our love felt like something disgraceful enough to be terrified about people finding out. I want it to be something that would give you joy, not shame.” Jaebum finally looked at Jinyoung, tears crawling out of the corner of his eyes, his gaze full of despair. He seemed so broken it crushed Jinyoung. “I don’t want to go back to you if that only means going through the same hell twice, Jinyoung, no matter how much I love you and want you to be by my side. Once already crushed me this much, what would I be when it was twice as much? My love for you is strong, but my heart isn’t, Jinyoung. It’s already bruised, wounded, damaged, even more than my body. Don’t abuse it any more than this. I beg you.”

Jinyoung didn’t say anything more, he couldn’t, because he also didn’t want to hurt Jaebum more than he already had. And he was unable to find the words to ease his pain either, because there was none.

“I won’t do this anymore. I’ll stop putting myself in danger, so you can stop worrying about me. Don’t blame yourself or feel guilty anymore. Just be happy, and make our separation worth it. Now, go.”

Jinyoung didn’t want to move an inch from his seat, but he knew that what Jaebum said was already final, and nothing he could say would change it before he could change himself. Changed from the coward he had always been. So he stood up, walked to the door, and took a last glance to Jaebum before he closed the door.

Silence filled the room. Then Jaebum let the tears he had been holding all this time free, grieving over his pain, his love. The cries he made drowning the other snivelling noise from the other side of the door. He didn’t stop until he was too exhausted to shed more tears and lost in his restless sleep.

 

\--

 

After that day at the hospital, he never went to see Jaebum again. Of course it didn’t mean he didn’t care about Jaebum anymore. He was still worried sick of Jaebum, but he got by with the reports Jackson occasionally sent him about Jaebum’s condition. He knew he couldn’t see Jaebum without hurting him before getting over all his fear. That was the only way he could make amends, and get his love back.

He knew he had to start from his family, the source of his fear. His parents were the highest hurdle he had to jump over. It was frightening, too much for him to handle now, when he was alone. So he settled to calling his sister for a start.

“Hi brother, what’s up? You rarely called me these days. Guess you have forgotten about me, huh?” her voice filled his ear as soon as it was connected. He only laughed a little, he can almost see her pouting on the other end.

“I’m sorry. How could I forget Park Jisoo, the greatest sister in this whole universe?”

“Don’t think flattering me can make it up. You have to treat me everything I want when you get back.”

“Anything for my cute little sister, of course.” Jinyoung laughed harder.

“So, what do you want to tell me?” Jisoo asked, startling him.

“Do I have to have something to tell you to call you? Maybe I just missed you.”Jinyoung said, trying not to get panicked.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, you must have a reason to call me. What is it?” His sister had always been quick-witted, of course she would know.

Jinyoung tried not to stutter as he spoke, “Well, I actually love someone for a quite long time now.”

“Whoa, I don’t expect you to ask for love advice from me. Then what’s the matter?”

Jinyoung took a deep breath, preparing. “The problem is, that person is a man, Jisoo.”

“WHAT?! Brother, are you serious?!” Jisoo sounded shocked. _Of course she is._

“Why would I joke about something like that?”

They kept silent for a moment, giving time for Jisoo to calm down.

“Okay, now I’m ready to listen. Tell me everything.”

And that was exactly what he did. He told his sister how he met with Jaebum, how they started their relationship, how his fear got the best of him, how they break up, Jackson’s revelation, and what Jaebum said at the hospital.

“I’ve hurt him too much, Jisoo, and I want to fix it as much as possible. I want to mend the wounds I’ve caused. And I can’t do that before I get rid of my cowardness. That’s why I’m telling you everything now.” Jinyoung finished, his plea for her understanding was hanging on the air. Jinyoung dreaded for Jisoo’s reaction. The wait was choking him before she started talking again.

“Sorry brother, I’m too shocked I can’t find anything to say. But know that it won’t change a thing about how I think about you, brother, and you’re still the brother I love. I won’t judge you, I understand. Actually one of my best friends also likes people of the same gender, so I’m not against it. I just never expected to hear that from you.” Jisoo finally said, reassuring him. Jinyoung hadn’t expected her to take it that well, even better than him taking his own situation before. But Jisoo had always been more matured than him, despite him being three years older and her petite figure. That was why spilling everything to her and getting her acceptance gave him so much relief.

“Thanks, Jisoo.” He said, grateful to have her as his sister. She only replied with a hum, seemed like she was thinking of something.

“So this Jaebum… You love him?”

Jinyoung sighed. “So much, Jisoo. Even I find it hard to believe I can love someone that much if it’s not for our separation. I’ve tried with other person, only to find myself missing him again. And after I feel how much he loves me, how could I not love him more and let him go, knowing nobody would ever give me love as deep as his?”

“I know, brother. Even I can feel the extent of his love for you, just from your story. If you choose to stay, you have to treasure him, after everything you’ve done to him. Oh God, I’m already fond of him just hearing your story that I can also feel his sorrow. I might get mad at you if you hurt him again, brother.”

“That’s why I tell you this, Jisoo.  So I won’t hurt him anymore.”

“Then what would you do about Mom and Dad? They won’t take it as well as me, you know.”

And there, Jisoo had finally voiced his fear. “I know. I’m still afraid of their reaction, but I have to tell them anyway if I want to stay with Jaebum.”

“Don’t worry, brother. They may against it first, but I think they will understand you eventually. Because just like me, they love you, brother, maybe even more. Just promise me you won’t give up, no matter how long it takes to convince them. I’ll help you to get through this.”

Jinyoung had never, ever felt more grateful of his sister’s existence more than this moment that tears started warming up his eyes. “I won’t. Thanks, Jisoo.”

 

\--

 

It had been three months since the accident. Jaebum never saw Jinyoung again since then, but he kept his promise. He didn’t get into fight anymore, and he tried drinking less. However, he still needed some means to escape from his thoughts and feelings, so he started going to classes again after his wound healed. He needed to make up for the many absences he made before, so he had been busy, and he was grateful for that. Even though it couldn’t distract him and make him forget as good as the pain did, it was still better than nothing.

The people who was the most happy about the change was, of course, his friends. They helped him with his piling assignments, and made sure he ate. They’ve been dragging him outside to hang out, because they were afraid if he was left alone drowning in his despair, he would get himself into danger again. And Jaebum didn’t really resist, he would welcome any diversion he could get.

He already knew that Jackson was the one who spilled everything out to Jinyoung, but he was too drained to even feel mad at him. And he understood that he meant well. So he didn’t make a fuss of it. That was why when he found out that Jackson was lying about Jinyoung not attending the gathering held for his year from his faculty, he also knew he meant well, even though maybe he could get angry this time.

Nothing could describe his feelings as he entered the room and saw Jinyoung sitting there, talking with some people. It was a mix of everything, a whirlwind in his heart, yet he was too stunned by Jinyoung’s presence that his mind couldn’t even form any thought. And when he was finally back from his shocked state, he found Jinyoung walking on his direction. He turned back and trying to run away, but Jinyoung was faster. Jinyoung caught his wrist and turned him around, facing him.

Jaebum struggled, trying to pull his arm away from Jinyoung’s grip. “What are you doing? Let me go!”

Then suddenly Jinyoung’s lips touched his. It had been so long, and was too sudden, that his mind couldn’t process it. But it still capable of registering the noise around him, then he finally realized that every person in the room was looking at them. Then he pushed him away.

Jinyoung kissed him. In front of many people they knew.

It confused him. So many things he couldn’t understand, so many questions with answers he couldn’t find, his head felt like it was about to burst. When the storm roaring in his head and heart got too much for him, he ran away from the deafening noises, from people’s stares. From Jinyoung.

He made it to the street, but couldn’t get too far before Jinyoung caught him again.

“Where are you going?”

“Away. From you. Now move aside.” Jaebum tried to shoved him away, yet Jinyoung kept standing firm in front of him.

“But why?” Jinyoung asked, puzzled with Jaebum’s rejection.

“Why did you do that?” Jaebum confronted, demanding his explanation. “Are you drunk?”

Jinyoung sighed. “No, I’m as sober as I could ever be. It’s a way for me to tell you that I’m ready to get you back.”

Jaebum unconsciously stopped resisting, more confused than he had ever been. He stood still, trying hard to process what Jinyoung had said.

“What do you mean? I’ve told you to stop being concerned about me. You should’ve gone and find someone else, forget about me. If you still feel guilty about me, I’ve told you already, it’s not your fault.”

“But I love you, Im Jaebum. I’ve been loving you all this time, and would always be. I want to hear your voice, to see you smile, to feel your skin touching mine. I want to be with you, and spend everyday of my life with you, forever. I want you, more than anything. I don’t care about anyone else. I just want you back.”

Jaebum stared at Jinyoung’s eyes in disbelief. And in his pleading eyes he found desperation, sincerity, and love. Yet Jaebum kept silence, still afraid of getting hurt anymore. Jinyoung caught his fear, and continued.

“I’ve already tell my family about us, about me loving you. My parents took a lot of convincing, but now even though they haven’t fully supported me yet, they’re not so dead against it anymore. That’s why I can only come to you now. I’m sorry to make you wait so long and suffer this much. I promise you, I won’t make the same mistakes again. I’ll make you happy with all my being. So Im Jaebum… Would you be my boyfriend again?”

It felt like every pain, grief, and sadness Jaebum had been feeling all this time was being washed off of him with these words. The words he never expected to hear from Jinyoung. He couldn’t believe that Jinyoung would go that far for him. Now inside him was only happiness, relief, and a little bit of fear. He feared that everything was just an illusion, a dream that was caused by his long suffering, because it was too good to be true. But the Jinyoung in front of him was solid, he was real. And Jaebum started sobbing, so hard he couldn’t even form a word to respond to Jinyoung’s question.

So Jaebum nodded his head, and embraced the warmth he had been missing so much as Jinyoung pulled him in his arms.

 

\--

 

Jaebum could hear Jinyoung moaned under him as he nipped and sucked on Jinyoung’s skin, leaving marks. They were already naked, clothes scattered all over his apartment since they couldn’t hold themselves anymore, been missing each other’s skin and touch for so long, and barely made it to his bed. He went back to Jinyoung lips, kissing him passionately, and surprised when Jinyoung pushed him, breaking the kiss.

“What happened?” Jaebum asked, worried. Jinyoung seemed like he was deep in thought.

“I heard you let strangers fucked you, is it true?”

Jaebum was taken aback. _How does he know? Nobody knows about that, even his friends._ He pulled back from Jinyoung, looked away, and answered, “Yeah, I did. It was an effort I did to forget you. Why?” _Why does he bring it out now? Does it make him not wanting me anymore?_

“Why did you let others inside you when I haven’t?” Jaebum was surprised to hear a slight tone of annoyance in Jinyoung’s voice. He looked back at Jinyoung to find him pouting his mouth. Then he laughed. “What, are you jealous?”

“Yeah. Now that I got you back, yeah, I think I’m jealous.”

“Do you want to fuck me now?” Jaebum asked, amused. Jinyoung didn’t answer. He was blushing deep, and without losing his pout, looked away. _How could he be so cute, being jealous?_ Jaebum thought, looking at him fondly. He should’ve known that if there was someone he really wanted inside him, it was Jinyoung. Only him.

“Do it, then.”

Jinyoung stared at him for a moment. Then he rose to push Jaebum’s back to the bed, savoring his lips. He broke the kiss to reach for the lube they bought before, pouring it in his fingers. He circled the ring of Jaebum’s entrance with his lubed finger, slowly pushed in.

Jaebum moaned as he felt the slight burn at the stretch. It had been months since something was put there, so he was as tight as he could ever be. He felt Jinyoung’s finger start moving, loosening him. Jinyoung was careful, as he never did this before, and he didn’t want to hurt Jaebum. He started to kiss Jaebum again, to help him relax. After a while, Jinyoung put another in, and Jaebum made a low grunt to his mouth. Jaebum felt Jinyoung’s fingers stopped moving, and so their kiss.

“Do you want to stop? Let’s just do it as always.” Jinyoung looked at him, worry evident in his voice, afraid his lack of experience was hurting Jaebum.

“No, let’s continue, Jinyoung, it's okay. When I was with others, it hurt so much, far more than this. You're being gentle with me, Jinyoung, you’re doing good. It's okay," Jaebum said, encouraging Jinyoung. But when he saw Jinyoung still hesitating, he continued,"I beg you, Jinyoung. I don’t want the memory of the last person inside me to be anyone but you. I want you to overwrite the memories of those strangers inside me. Please, don’t stop,” Jinyoung kissed him softly yet deep, pouring all the love he felt for Jaebum. He was so grateful to have him, the person who loved him the most, back.

Jinyoung started moving his fingers again. Then he grazed a bundle of nerves that made Jaebum cried in pleasure, arching his back. Jinyoung kept brushing that place and scissoring him, spreading him open.

When Jinyoung felt Jaebum had loosened enough, he pulled his fingers out. He put a condom on, coating it with lube, and lifting Jaebum’s knees up. He kissed Jaebum again mouthing 'I love you' before gently pressing into Jaebum's entrance.

Jaebum was grunting as Jinyoung slowly sliding in, stretching him wide. The burn that had gone before was back, intensified. Jinyoung didn't move until the burn subsided and Jaebum nodded as a sign. Then he started moving.

The way Jinyoung moved inside him was of course, far different from all Jaebum's experience before, which the biggest purpose was to inflict pain. Jinyoung was gentle and careful, setting on a slow pace, angling himself to hit the nerves before until he was a moaning mess. He treated Jaebum like he was some kind of a precious glass, afraid of breaking it. The sensation was something Jaebum had never felt before, and it melted him into the gentle, sweet process of making love Jinyoung gave him. And when they finally reached the peak together, he was in so much bliss, he was flying to heaven.

Jaebum came back to earth feeling something wet, tender, and warm on his already half erected again shaft. He sighed when he felt Jinyoung’s lips closing around it, gasping as Jinyoung was sliding up and down. Then he realized that Jinyoung had also been fingering himself.

“What are you doing?” Jaebum managed to ask between his gasps, breathy.

“I’ve been missing you inside me the whole time too. So let me satisfy my craving of the taste of you filling me up.” Jinyoung said, smirking.

Jaebum was speechless as Jinyoung slid another condom on him, lining his throbbing erection to Jiyoung’s rear, slowly sliding down. When he was already fully sheathed, Jinyoung sat for a while before he started lifting himself up and down again. Jaebum savored the view, Jinyoung looked so beautiful rising above him, moonlight fell upon Jinyoung’s flushed body, eyes filled with lust.

Then he couldn’t stand still anymore. He pushed Jinyoung back to the bed, raining him with kisses and marks as he was thrusting inside Jinyoung. This time around the atmosphere was different than before, when it was sweet, soft, and gentle. Now it was tense, full of passion, screams of lust filled the air. And he finally released at the sight of Jinyoung coming undone under him, breathing his name.

If this was a dream, Jaebum wished he would never wake up again.

 

\--

 

_It’s just a dream, and now I wake up._

That’s what Jaebum thought when he opened his eyes to an empty sheet beside him. Of course it was a dream, that kind of blessing was too good to be true. He felt dejected, and rolled to his back, groaning.

_Then why does my back feel sore?_

A clattering noise from outside his room got him out of his bed. He tried not to get his hopes up as he walked to the door. _Maybe it’s Nayeon, or Jackson,_ Jaebum tried to convince himself, but failed.

And there he found him, standing in his kitchen. Jaebum walked quietly, afraid if he made any noise he would disappear. Then he reached to his waist, hugging him tightly, hiding his face on his shoulder.

“Jinyoung.”

“Oh, you already wake up? Wait a bit, breakfast will be ready in a few more minutes.” Jinyoung said, without stopping anything he was doing before.

“Jinyoung.”

Only then Jinyoung stopped, feeling Jaebum’s tears seeping through his shirt. He touched Jaebum’s hand, brushing it softly. Then he turned to Jaebum, holding his face in his hands, wiping his tears.

“Jaebum.” Jinyoung called, to make Jaebum looked at him on the eyes, lifting his face.

“Thanks for loving me so much. Thanks for never stopped loving me, even after everything I’ve put you through. Thanks for coming back to me.”

He pulled Jaebum in his arms, feeling him sobbing on his shoulder, draining all his suffering that had piled for so long. He wanted to take it away, all at once, but he knew it would need time. And he would treat his bruises, mend his wounds, kissed his scar until it all disappeared, no matter how long it took.

For they would always be together from now on, forever. For he would never let Jaebum go again.


End file.
